On Monday, Grumpy Young Man informed us that he’s on vacation. Actually, he said “I’m drunk, leave me alone.” Anyway, as a compromise, he sent us his favourite, funniest tweets of the last two weeks.
Hey Facebook moms, if you’re sick of all this Royal Baby news then now you know how we feel.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 22, 2013
A little late, but here’s my Royal baby names. Boy: Hemo Girl: Philia
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 22, 2013
In the rich Royal Family tradition of naming kids George IV and Elizabeth II, I think they should name the baby Rocky V.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 22, 2013
Ask a lemonade stand kid if they have a permit. If children are learning about the free market, they should also learn about red tape.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 22, 2013
There’s a boy in the US that sleeps 20 hours a day. When he’s not sleeping, he sits in the sun and licks his ass.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 22, 2013
I can’t believe how many people don’t know the difference between “lose” and “loose.” Stupid loosers.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 23, 2013
The safest activity you can do is nothing. You don’t often hear of people dying of nothing.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 24, 2013
Winnipeg is under a tornado watch. Watch out for flying King Cans.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 25, 2013
Everybody’s making a big deal of this mayo enema Fringe play, but everyone’s got their fetishes. For instance, I like to be Miracle Whipped.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 26, 2013
The Winnipeg Sun’s homepage is mostly pictures. The Winnipeg Sun knows their market.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
Why do so many SunShine Girls have Cancer?
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
An alt model is a pretty girl with tattoos.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
Forget “plus-sized”, “alternative” and visible minorities, the biggest demographic that’s underrepresented in modelling is ugly people.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
I could write the SunShine Girl blurbs. “Stacy is a pretty (insert sign) who likes stuff and hopes to one day do something. You go girl.”
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
“Don’t live for tomorrow, live for today” is the leading cause of heart disease.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 28, 2013
There’s an epidemic of pretty girls in sun dresses on shitty bikes riding on the sidewalk.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 30, 2013
Sliced bread was first sold in 1928. Since then, nothing of note.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 30, 2013
How can Reza Aslan write a book about Jesus when he didn’t know him?
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 30, 2013
“You miss 100 per cent of the shits you don’t take.” – Constipated Wayne Gretzky
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) July 30, 2013
The World Dwarf Games are in August. No one dares dope at the World Dwarf Games, because if you do, you’re Dopey.
— Jared Story (@jrockarolla) August 1, 2013
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Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.