Have you ever bought a plant, with complete oblivion to the fact that it was actually a weed, only to have it completely overtake your garden, yard and, unbeknownst to you, infiltrate your entire septic system costing thousands of dollars in repairs?
Have you ever called for pizza and find out that the delivery guy is actually the son of a patient you once cared for as an EMT on the ambulance, asked cheerfully how his mom was doing to be met with, “She’s dead.”?
Have you ever completely ignored the screaming voice in your head saying “NO!” and added mounds to your stress-load by saying “Of course, I’d be happy to!”?
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Have you ever called Employment Canada and commenced to point out their idiocy in not sending your T4 to you, to be told that you had actually checked the box that said ‘Don’t send my T4, I’ll print my own’?
Have you ever agreed to check in on a neighbor’s property while they vacation and end up making a frantic trip to the pet store to replace the dead rabbit your dog so graciously dropped at your feet while watering their plants, only to find out, after their return that not only had someone dug up their dead rabbit that had died just before they left, but had put another one in its cage?
Have you ever been sitting in a divorce lawyer’s office with your loving child who so innocently, and quite articulately, shares her opinion that your lawyer has “a fat bum”?
Have you ever removed the same child in the throws of a raging tantrum, from a store, to be met with glares and comments regarding your cruelty as your sweet darling of a child continues to kick you in the shins?
Have you ever received a text from your teenaged son that he had cracked his head open falling out of a tree, was somewhat dizzy and couldn’t see straight, but was going to walk to the hospital to get stitches, and have it followed up with a picture of a gaping wound?
Have you ever lost your four-month-old child out of a bouncy chair, flat smack onto the floor because you neglected to strap her in and left her unattended while you went to get a cloth to wipe her mouth?
Have you ever lifted your toddler out of his stroller to put him in his car seat after leaving a mall, only to find enough clothing to make Winona Ryder blush, sitting in his stroller?
Have you ever been dared to jump off a second story balcony, complied due to your lack of frontal lobe attachment, and walked with a limp for days, but denied any injury due to a very well rooted sense of stupidity?
Have you ever laid on the floor during a night shift, with the intent of just resting for a moment but instead fallen into a deep, near comatose, sleep, only to be awoken by the phone, jumped up, feebly attempted to sit, missed the chair and sat your tailbone squarely on the wheel of the chair?
Have you ever dragged a one hundred eighty-five pound dog onto a ferry while it clings to every doorway, railing and grate, while passers by continue to berate your aggression, oblivious to your exhaustion, only to discover upon entrance to the kennel area that the only available kennel is three feet off the ground and is perched precariously above a poodle?
Have you ever endured the earth shattering rumble of a tree crashing into your home due to the misguided belief that the wind was indeed stronger than gravity and would repel said tree from your home?
Have you ever been instructed to dig a ditch by hand due to the presence of underground power lines only to be met with ridicule and embarrassment when you realize that ‘by hand’ was not intended to be with your own fingernails but rather a shovel?
Have you ever spilled beer in a hot tub and not realized it until several days later when creamy foam started seeping out from underneath the cover?
Have you ever sprayed bug repellant inside a cottage but let your child take the blame when a grandparent assumed it was them?
Have you ever blamed a dog for eating all the chocolate in a dish and pretended to be astonished that they weren’t ill?
Have you ever told your child an elaborate story regarding how fish can actually change their colors as they grow, seemingly overnight, after replacing her dead fish with what you thought was an exact replica, only to realize the dead fish had discolored due to being dead and unnoticed for several days?
Have you ever introduced yourself to a neighbor with the line “Do you have something that can get blood out of a carpet?” after living in your new home for less than twenty-four hours with your four children?
Have you ever been an EMT on an ambulance, had a maternity patient in labor, and had the zipper of your jumpsuit (crotch to neck) blow out? On a hot day? With just undies underneath?
Have you ever been a police officer chasing some drug possessing teens in the dark, and been met squarely between the eyes with a cross beam on a fence as you tried to jump through it, causing you to land on your radio and smash it, lose your cellphone and glasses and have your vision impeded by blood but still catch two of the offending teens?
Have you ever been caught trying to string a stuffed Scooby Doo doll over a beam to drop into the face of an unsuspecting colleague, only to drop it prematurely in the CEO’s face?
Yeah, me neither….
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Jennifer Barry is a writer for The Spectator Tribune. Follow her on Twitter @rsqdog
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