Sometimes Grumpy Young Man spends the weekend drinking too much grumpy juice and fails to cobble his crotchety thoughts into any sort of storyline. This is one of those times.
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-I like the song Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. Well, I did like it, but then my feminist friends told me I don’t like it. They told me I don’t like it because it’s misogynistic. I said “What’s wrong with a good misoge?” They weren’t amused.
-My friends then showed me a bunch of articles detailing how Blurred Lines is misogynistic, all of them written by some chick named Jezebel. Anyway, I read them and was surprised to find Blurred Lines is in fact misogynistic. Also surprising, Alan Thicke’s son isn’t Kirk Cameron.
-I want to start a Canadian version of ZZ Top that’s pronounced Zed Zed Top. To avoid being sued by Billy Gibbons, our songs will have alternative lyrics like “Women go crazy for a guy who dresses good” and “She’s got legs and she knows how to use them. Because they’re her legs. It’s not that hard.”
-“Rolling Stone! Wanna see my picture on the cover. Stone! Gonna bomb a city with my brother.” – Misheard lyrics
-The biggest complaint about the new Rolling Stone cover is it glamorizes Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Whatever, you’re just mad that you’re attracted to a monster.
-An actor of one race cannot play a person of another race. You just can’t do it. It’s wrong. You know what movie I’m talking about. What, The Lone Ranger? What’s that? I was talking about White Chicks. What were the Wayans brothers thinking?
-The Toronto Blue Jays demote starting pitcher Josh Johnson to Triple A to call up Carly Rae Jepsen.
-Loblaw to buy Shoppers Drug Mart for $12.4 billion. It would have been significantly less if Loblaw had an Optimum Card.
-I’ve lost so much weight on my new diet: Ramadan.
-Who’s your favourite comedy duo? Is it Penn and Teller? The Smothers Brothers? Jack and Rexella Van Impe?
-Everybody’s scared of sharks, but the scariest animal is the horse because a horse crippled Superman.
-As youngsters, my brother and I would pretend to be our favourite superheroes. He was Gambit, a character who could create, control and manipulate kinetic energy and was adept at card-throwing. Gambit would charge playing cards and throw them at his enemies. The cards would then explode with the strength of a grenade. My brother, armed with a full deck, would whip cards at me. Me? I played Thor. Thor has a hammer.
-I miss my brother.
-People use a lot of exclamation marks in emails so they won’t sound sarcastic. Because saying “Thanks!” after everything doesn’t sound sarcastic at all.
-I’m reading a book about Detroit. It ends at Chapter 9.
-Gawker ended its Rob Ford crack video campaign, saying it will donate the Crackstarter cash to four Ontario charities. Hey, that money was for drug dealers, not helping people!
-One performance at this year’s Winnipeg Fringe Theatre Festival features two naked actors engaging in mayonnaise enemas. And they say art is dead.
-If you’re performing mayo enemas, you might want to visit the Mayo Clinic.
-I could go for a sandwich.
-Folklorama faced adversity in 2010 after an E. coli breakout at its Russian Pavilion. Still, that’s nothing compared to Folklorama’s biggest fear: The Israel and Palestine pavilions book the same venue.
-The wife of Brooklyn Nets player Andrei Kirilenko allows him to cheat on her once a year. When asked about the marital arrangement, Kirilenko told the media “Yes, once a year.”
-A lot of sports broadcasters are former professional athletes. You don’t get much of that in other types of journalism, crime reporting for instance.
-A new study finds obesity may be genetic. Also, hamburgers may be hereditary.
-I feel bad for Rylee, Sunday’s SUNshine Girl. Apparently she has Cancer.
-As I’m typing this, The Big Bang Theory is on TV. I’m currently revaluating my stance on evolution.
-Canada Post recently unveiled four new stamps featuring Canadian rock n roll artists The Guess Who, Rush, The Tragically Hip and Beau Dommage. Where’s Remy Shand? No, really, where is he?
-The Simpsons will appear on an episode of Family Guy next fall. The title? “Bart Sells His Soul.”
Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.