In Grumpy Young Man’s system, his columns are represented by two separate, yet equally unimportant groups. The column’s where he doesn’t drink and the column’s where he does drink. These are his (drunken) jokes.
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Dun, dun!
-United States Secretary of State John Kerry says 1429 killed in chemical attack in Syria. But first, our top story: Miley Cyrus.
-If you watched the MTV VMA’s live last Sunday and are mad about what you saw, you only have yourself to blame, because you chose to pay attention to crap over the greatest show in TV history.
-Oh, and by greatest show in TV history, I of course mean AMC’s Low Winter Sun.
-It’d be weird if you’ve never watched Breaking Bad, but never miss an episode of Talking Bad. “I just love that Chris Hardwick.”
-Oh no! I accidently bought Uncle Ben’s Ricin.
-My methhead neighbour just told me he’s “totally twerking out.” I think he’s confused.
-The razor companies recently reported a decline in their sales due to the increase of men wearing beards. I predict an increase in scrotum-focused razor advertising.
-The pen is mightier than the sword. So don’t bring a sword to a pen fight.
-I don’t know if there’s stand-up comedy in the cricket world, but man, that’d be a tough crowd (crickets).
-Sage advice: Sage goes great with chicken.
-“I’m out of thyme.” – Chef’s suicide note.
-I have great relish for hotdogs. But, I’m out of relish.
-Whoever named the orange didn’t even try.
-August 28th was the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. Can’t believe it’s been that long. It seems like just yesterday that Dr. King took to the podium at the Teen Choice Awards and told us all to “work hard” and “stay sexy.”
-Honey Boo Boo turned eight years old last week, officially exceeding her life expectancy.
-If something costs an arm and a leg, shop around.
-I was surprised to hear Ben Affleck is Batman. I always thought it was Bruce Wayne.
-Overheard in South Boston: Ben Affleck is the new Dahk Knight. He’s got a wicked fun cah. Superman’s queer. Dis grinder is wicked awesome. Go Red Sahx
-The Incredible Hulk. The Amazing Spiderman. The Fantastic Four. Ant-Man.
-The CRTC recently rejected Sun News Network’s bid to be carried on basic cable. Or as Sun News reported it: “Liberal jihadists are stealing our country.”
-I want to start a band called Better than Ezra Levant.
-A forest fire in California is threatening my uncle’s cabin. It keeps saying “I’m gonna burn you!”
-What do wildfires spread like?
-Last week, Ben Johnson told the BBC he was better than Usain Bolt. He was then stripped of his opinion for failing a drug test.
-Say what you want, but Winnipeg Blue Bombers quarterback Justin Goltz has a lot of potential. One day his name might be uttered in the same breath as Chris Vargas.
-Deer Meadows Farms owners Vince and Liana Rattai decided to cut a Blue Bombers logo into their corn maze, fitting as the team has looked lost all season.
-A friend told me we should go to the corn maze. I was like “What, corn maize? Isn’t that redundant?”
-Kingston Frontenacs’ GM Doug Gilmour recently traded his own son. Said Wayne Gretzky: “Wait, we can do that? Paulina!”
-If it wasn’t for hockey, I’d boycott the Olympics every year.
-I can never remember how to pronounce Milos Raonic so I just call him Mike Racquet.
-New York Yankees outfielder Ichiro Suzuki recently racked up his 4,000 hit. That’s 3,999 more hits than Right Said Fred.
-Can one storm go by without one of my female Facebook friends professing their love for them?
-Ladies, you only love storms because of your time and place. I doubt the prairie women of yesteryear, cooped up in rickety shacks, watching their measly wheat crop get absolutely leveled by the wicked wind and torrential rain, the lightning striking dangerously close their one and only tree and the thunder rumbling like a death threat from God himself, would exclaim “Oh, how I just love storms.”
-“But during a storm I just love to curl up with a bottle of merlot and a good book.” Fine, but do it outside. See that homeless dude out there? Go tell him how much you like storms. Somehow I doubt he shares your affection for extreme weather.
-My favourite character on Duck Dynasty is the bearded redneck.
-I need a bigger TV. Or a pair of Zoomies.
-There’s a Saudi Arabian man that weighs 1345 pounds. Says the man: “Death to America but first Death by Chocolate.”
-Avoid handbaskets and you will go to heaven.
-My buddy told me sending “dick pics” to girls is a big thing these days. I disagree. I sent one to a girl and she told me it was a little thing.
-Internet pornography addiction is a disease. Worst of all, it’s viral.
-My bonfires have been awesome ever since I stole all those logs.
-I didn’t actually steal those logs. But I know who did!
-Not really.
-Tim Hortons: “Would you like a cheese sandwich with grill marks, I mean, a Panini?”
-Buy a Dairy Queen Blizzard, support children’s hospitals. Also, get fatter, die earlier.
-Fast food restaurants are just biker gangs. They have a “Save the Children” day just so they can continue poisoning the community.
-Damn! That last one was serious.
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Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.