Ford rubber, Toronto Star glue in stunning turn of events

TORONTO – In a stunning turn of events, Toronto mayor Rob Ford revealed Monday that he is, in fact, rubber, and that all recent allegations he has faced from the Toronto Star simply bounce off him. 

Ford also revealed that the Toronto Star is glue, and that whatever they say bounces off the mayor and sticks to them.

If true, this new information could vindicate the embattled mayor, and simultaneously shine new light on the Toronto Star’s apparent deep links to the drug trade and organized crime in Canada’s largest city.

The revelations come less than two weeks after a video surfaced purporting to show Mayor Ford smoking what appears to be crack cocaine.

Asked several times at a press conference if he is addicted to crack, the mayor repeatedly responded, “I know you are, but what am I,” revealing wide spread use of illegal narcotics within the Toronto press corps.

Adding to the controversy, The Globe and Mail reported Saturday that Ford’s brother, Doug, now a city councillor, was a known drug dealer in the Toronto suburb of Etobicoke in the 1980s.

When asked by a Toronto Star reporter if he is still a drug dealer, Doug Ford responded, “takes one to know one.”

The reporter is now in police custody on drug trafficking charges, and if convicted could spend up to 15 years in a federal prison.

Matt Nightingale is a stand-up comedian and writer from Winnipeg. Follow him on Twitter: @NightingaleMJ