Grumpy over Ashton Kutcher’s “performance” at the Teen Choice Awards

Ashton Kutcher made quite the splash at the Teen Choice Awards last week, appropriate, as he was presented a surfboard.

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Upon winning the coveted Ultimate Choice award, Kutcher delivered an unexpected acceptance speech that absolutely floored the adolescent audience. Well, actually the crowd just continued to incessantly scream. Teenagers are stupid.

Kids these days, blah, blah, blah, I’ll go off on young people in some other column. First, let’s examine the most monumental Teen Choice moment ever, well at least since 2010 when Miley Cyrus took home Choice Hissy Fit for the second straight year. What a dynasty.

Kutcher started his spiel by saying he feels like a fraud, revealing that his actual name is Chris. Now, this was legitimately surprising, mostly because I thought it was Kelso. Man, Hyde’s going to have a field day with this news. I predict some major burns.

It’s all good though, Grumpy Young Man has no problem with a little name change. In fact, many celebrities have changed their names. Jon Stewart is actually Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz. Freddie Mercury was born Farrokh Bulsara. And according to Middle America, Barack Obama is really Satan Incarnate.

I’ve got no real qualms with the next part of Kelso, I mean Ashton, I mean’s Chris’s speech either. He went on to list his pre-acting, pre-Ashton jobs, which included sweeping a factory floor of cereal dust. He stated: “I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work” and “I never had a job in my life that I was better than” and that “Every job I had was a stepping stone to the next one, and I never quit a job before I had the next one.”

There’s nothing wrong with preaching persistence. Sure, one could argue Kutcher failed to recognize how important happenstance is to success, but luck equals nothing without some good ol’ fashioned stick-to-itiveness. Work hard and you’ll see that when one door closes, another door opens, especially if you’re in the door business.

No, it was the third part of Kutcher’s speech that I have a hard time with, especially coming from him. Here’s what he had to say:

“The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart and being thoughtful and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you. It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don’t buy it. Be smart, be thoughtful and be generous.”

That’s awesome; unfortunately Kutcher is in the crap-selling business. Chris Ashton Kelso Kutcher, do you really think you’d be where you’re at today without being superficially sexy? I’m not denying you’ve worked hard, but without outer beauty, you don’t exist, at least not to us.

See, Kutcher’s whole “acting” career stems from That ‘70s Show where he played Kelso, a PRETTY boy who isn’t smart but gets through life on his LOOKS. If Kutcher looked like Steve Buscemi, do you think he still gets that part? The answer is “No” by the way.

The sad truth is smart, thoughtful and generous ARE super sexy traits, IF the person possessing them is well, sexy.

Case in point, currently Kutcher is dating Mila Kunis aka Jackie. I don’t know her, but I’ve seen her in interviews and she does seem smart, thoughtful and generous. She’s also drop-dead gorgeous. Same goes for Demi Moore, Rhianna, Lorene Scafaria and most likely every other woman Kutcher has dated, well, at least since achieving fame. I’m no mathematician, but surface sexiness is sitting at 100 per cent in Kutcher’s romantic relationships. Probably just a coincidence though.

Sure, brains can equal beauty, but most of the time, it’s the other way around. During an interview with comedian Greg Fitzsimmons, Norm Macdonald said “they always say women like guys with senses of humour, turns out they just laugh at handsome guys.”

Can we please stop denying that pretty people have an easier time of it? Kutcher might not like the fact his artistic career is partly propelled by his looks, but it is and always has been, even before That ‘70s Show.

Pre-acting, Kutcher worked as a model and appeared in ads for Calvin Klein. Somehow I don’t think Calvin Klein said, “Oh, look at this guy. He looks super thoughtful. I mean look at those generous abs.”

Which brings me to my next point, modelling is dumb.

I’m not just talking about those “supermodels”, with their unattainable, otherworldly physical attributes. I’m talking about all modeling. All of it.

Sorry, but “alternative” models are just pretty people with tattoos and “plus-sized” models are just chubby people with attractive faces. No matter the shape or size of the model, it’s just a celebration of outer beauty.

You know what demographic is most underrepresented in modelling? Ugly people. Face it, until The Elephant Man is considered beautiful, all modelling is just vanity.

Which is fine, if you actually admit it. Beauty exists, at least as some evolutionary construct. For instance, babies are attracted to symmetrical, non-elephant-like faces. Just don’t pretend like there’s no reason Clint Howard is a character actor and not a leading man. Seriously, that dude is so ugly, if he wasn’t Ron Howard’s brother, he’d be sweeping up Cheerios dust.

I actually like Ashton Kutcher. I saw him do the panel component of Real Time with Bill Maher a few years ago and I was pleasantly surprised to see that the dude from Dude, Where’s My Car? is quite intelligent. And, I’ll admit Kutcher’s Teen Choice speech was generally positive and his delivery/wording was downright eloquent. In fact, I’d say it’s his best performance ever. I’m not being sarcastic just truthful.

However, if Kutcher is convinced brains and not beauty is why he’s considered sexy, then he’s Punk’d himself. Seriously, he’s got his head so far up his own butt, he can see Red’s boot. Dumbass!



Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla