Grumpy Young Man: A tepid cheers to indifference

You know what I hate? Hate.

I don’t get hate. I get annoy. I get irk. I get rankle. I’m Grumpy Young Man for Pete’s sake. But, I don’t get hate.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t take life too seriously. I’m not even pro-life. And, I don’t mean pro-life in the picketing clinics sense of the term, just pro-any kind of life. Live, don’t live, I don’t care; just make a decision because the game’s on in five.

Seriously, I’ve heard slogans like “Life: It’s a gift.” Really, then can I return it? Or at least some sort of exchange. What’s the life store’s policy anyway?

I’m not saying I want to die, I’m just saying “meh.” I mean, if that Yellowstone volcano goes off, we’re all completely screwed anyhow. And I find that comforting. C’mon, isn’t it great to know that the cast of Dragon’s Den will be choking to death on the same black ash as you. Volcanoes don’t discriminate.

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What was I talking about? Oh yeah, hate and how I don’t get it. I’m not even talking about the big hates, like race, religion and Rush Limbaugh (he’s probably the biggest and yes, that’s a fat joke). No, I’m just talking about little hates, you know, when people say they hate a certain actor or a certain band. Take Nickelback for instance.

Everybody’s always hating on Chad Kroeger and Co., saying things like “I hate Nickelback” or “Nickelback sucks and I hate them” or “This is how you remind me of HOW MUCH I HATE YOU NICKELBACK!”

Honestly, you hate them? The only thing stupider than hating Nickelback is liking Nickelback. Complete indifference is the only correct emotion. Sure, they’re boring, but you can’t hate something just because it’s boring. You ever eat Cheerios? They’re boring. It’s just grain or if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, multi-grain. I mean, you have to add milk and sugar just to make them taste like something. But, you still eat Cheerios, because not everyday can be Fruit Loops and Arcade Fire.

A little over a year ago, Detroit Lions football fans petitioned to replace Nickelback for a half-time show. Now, maybe I’m underestimating the musical taste of the average football fan, but isn’t Nickelback the perfect band to play a NFL half-time show? Its football, you want big dumb rock. Ted Nugent should play every half-time show. People would go “Yeah, he’s a racist, right-wing gun nut, but did you see him shoot that guitar with his bow and arrow? That was cool.”

Imagine if Arcade Fire played a half-time show. Now, I’m not saying Arcade Fire are a bad band, in fact, they’re quite the opposite, I just don’t see them going over with your average watermelon-wearing Riders fan. I’ve been to many football games and not once have I heard this conversation:

Dwayne: “Hey Bill, I’m grabbing a couple brewskis, wanna come along?”

Bill: “In a minute Dwayne, I just can’t get over this band. The way the viola mixes with the glockenspiel, man, the only way to describe it is ethereal.”

Dwayne: “What’d you say Bill?”

Bill: “Err, umm, uhhh, I mean, ♪cat scratch feverrr♫”

Thanks Dwayne and Bill. We’ll hang out soon. Now, where were we? Oh yes. What I’m saying is you should stop hating and start not caring. When you master not caring, a whole world of nothing opens up for you.

In fact, let’s not care together. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 No Care Stare!

I should pitch that to the Care Bears, a No Care Bear. I’m not talking Grumpy Bear, we all know about that ill-tempered asshole. No, I’m talking about a Care Bear who doesn’t care about anything but somehow got mixed up with all these wily worrywarts.

Cheer Bear: “Hey No Care Bear, No Heart’s doing something evil, wanna stop him?”

No Care Bear: “Nah.”

Shut up, that’s a good idea. Anyway, let’s get back on track. What I’m saying is when you don’t care, you don’t hate the player or the game. Right, the game! Gotta go.


Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. He realizes it’s hypocritical to care about sports and then say he doesn’t care about anything. He’s a complicated man. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.