“Yo, bitch! No spoilers!”
That was the theme of Twitter and Facebook on Monday, Sept. 30. Of course, I’m referring to the greatest show in TV history: Low Winter Sun.
People were pissed to wake up on Monday morning and find out their newsfeed/tweets contained information about the series finale of Breaking Bad. “How could you?” tweeted the world.
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Spoiler alert: Life goes on without you.
If you don’t want to hear yesterday’s news, stay off social media. Facebook is a privilege not a right. This might surprise you, but you can go a day without logging on to Twitter. Or maybe you can’t. Who knows? I mean, who reads the terms and conditions anyway?
Isn’t spoiling everything what social media is all about? As far as I can tell, Twitter and Facebook are for ruining surprises. You share all of your info and news so when you’re actually with a person in-person, you have absolutely nothing to talk about.
“What’s new Jared?”
“What’s new? Didn’t you see my tweet?
Spoiling TV shows is a relatively new phenomenon. It’s a product of social media. Remember when you couldn’t spoil a TV show?
“Hey, did you see Dallas last night?”
“No, I missed it. Did you tape it?”
“Shoot, well, what happened?”
Back in the day, if somebody tried to kill J.R. and your friend missed it, it was your moral obligation to fill him/her in. Eventually, everybody knows what happens. I’ve never seen an episode of Dallas, but I feel like I have because, well, The Simpsons did it. Eventually, you hear about things that you missed. It’s just way quicker these days.
“Hey, don’t tell me what happened in Roots. I taped it 36 years ago and I haven’t watched it yet. No spoilers!”
Anyway, here are some jokes, kind of:
-What’s so good about Breaking Bad? Sure, it’s intense, gripping, heartbreaking, electrifying and brilliant, but what else?
– Miley Cyrus says she doesn’t like Breaking Bad because Walter White “coughs too much.” Fair enough. I mean, I don’t like Miley Cyrus because she sings too much.
-The Simpsons announced that they are killing off a major character this season. I hope its Lisa. Nothing worse than a Lisa-heavy episode.
– I’m an optipessimist. I look forward to every shitty day.
– I’m a bit of a collector. Mostly liquor bottles and Air Miles.
– Every time a cashier asks me if I collect Air Miles, I reply “No, just hockey cards.”
– My girlfriend told me to go to the store and pick her up an iPad. I thought she used tampons.
– Girls: Nullifying their workout with a Booster Juice since whenever Booster Juice opened.
– That pizza went straight to my thighs. Last time I eat with my thighs.
– I’m a skinny guy but I feel like a fat guy. I’m transfat.
– Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’m into S&M by the way.
-“Judge not lest ye be judged yourself” doesn’t hold up in court.
– “You reap what you sow.” – The Grim Reaper on a slow day.
– He’s an emotional guy. He wears his heart on his Facebook wall.
– The new Pope is so progressive. He doesn’t hate anybody!
– Does anybody know where Best Sleep Centre is? I can’t find it.
– Homophobes cannot be tolerated. Who wants to start a Jane Lynch mob?
– If a pitcher leaves a game with three strikeouts, I assume he’s racist.
– I tried to get into the Tuck Tape business but there was too much red tape.
– The moon landing was staged…on the moon.
– E-cigarettes should have warning labels on their packaging like all the other cigarettes do. For instance: “When you smoke, it shows” followed by a photo of ridiculous hipster.
– Hipster going into Safeway: “This door is so in right now.” Hipster leaving Safeway: “This door is so out.”
– Go to a small town Manitoba social and find out why there will never be peace in the Middle East. Gilbert Plains and Grandview can’t even get along.
– If anyone ever says the words “eye roll” to you, I’m pretty sure that gives you carte blanche to kick them in the face.
– The two headed monster from Sesame Street’s favourite joke is “Shhh. It.”
– There should be a Mario/Ninja Turtles crossover game. Mario would dominate. He’d jump on Donatello and then kick him into Leonardo.
– Life is like a Tanooki suit. You try to use it, you mess up and then you die.
– Eating salad at McDonalds is like using a frog suit in a castle. Ridiculous.
-Seattle is supposedly known for their coffee, but somehow that crap at Subway is their best.
– Hot tubs cause infertility. Have sex in a hot tub.
– Salustiano Sanchez-Blazquez, once the world’s oldest man, died on Sept. 13. The curse of the World’s Oldest Man title continues.
– Every news headline: “World’s oldest man dies.” Actually, I’m pretty sure the world’s oldest man is alive. That’s how that works.
– Winnipeg Jets defenceman Dustin Byfuglien is in tip-top shape, having dropped a reported 40 pounds in the off-season. In related news, True North announces improved sightlines at MTS Centre.
– Is anybody else in Winnipeg getting brown water? It’s always in my toilet, combined with some other stuff that just doesn’t look sanitary.
– A certain Winnipeg radio station’s billboard reads “Country girls have more fun.” Basically just a nice way of saying “Ignorance is bliss.”
– The Monopoly Man is a great rags to riches story. Did you know his first car was a thimble?
– My vote for the Polaris Prize was Rush. What a snowmobile!
– There’s a new Robocop and instead of Red from That 70s Show being the bad guy, it’s Laurie from That 70s Show. She dies.
– Whoops, spoiler alert.
Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.