This is my favourite time of the year.
It’s partly a weather thing. The more I can cover up my body, the better.
I’ve never been comfortable with my body. When I was a teenager, I had awful acne all over my chest, shoulders and back, which prohibited me from swimming, sex, Matthew McConaughey roles, etc. Thankfully, it’s mostly gone now, having been replaced by a ridiculous amount of hair. Seriously, I’m more mane than man. Hooking up with me makes you a furry. You weirdo.
Beyond being able to wear a coat over my coat, what I really love about the end of October is the cool, crisp, clean air. This isn’t a temperature thing. The reason the atmosphere is so fresh is because for the first time in months, it’s not being polluted by farmers and their incessant bitching.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate farmers and all the food they grow. I mean what would we do without canola and its many nutritional foodstuffs such as salad dressing, margarine and protein isolates? I know I can’t go a day without a healthy helping of Puratein. Emulsifying!
I grew up in the country, the sticks, the backwoods, the boonies, the, well, that’s all the words I know for that. So, I know farmers. The complaining starts at seeding and continues until the end of harvest. Then, it stops, or least it’s supposed to.
This year, Manitoba grain farmers reported exceptional yields. Despite the bumper crops, the first word out of farmers’ mouths was, “Yeah, but we’ve got nowhere to put it!”
Farmer: “I’m sitting on a big pile of money here! What the hell am I supposed to do? I don’t work three months a year to be treated like this! Yesterday, the GPS on my combine conked out, had to drive the damn thing myself. Where’s the goddamn government when we need them? My boy needs a new Chevy Silverado!”
By the way, have you seen the new Chevy Silverado commercials? Chevy turned the page on Bog Seger in favour of country singer Will Hoge and his song Strong.
If you haven’t heard it, here’s a taste:
“He’s a 20 year straight get to work on time, he’s a loved one woman for all his life, everybody knows he ain’t just tough, he’s strong. Strong!”
I guess GM doesn’t care about its Utah market, seeing monogamy is now mandatory in the Silverado-selling business. What’s the message here?
“Hey, if you’re going to cheat on your woman, do it in a Ford.”
The other new Silverado commercial is targeted at female truck drivers, because, in case you didn’t know, women can drive trucks these days. The times they are a changing!
The commercial reads as follows:
“A woman. A woman and a horse. A woman, a horse and a truck. A woman, a horse and truck walk into a bar. Bartender says: ‘That thing got a Hemi?’ Woman says: ‘No, that’s Dodge. You’re thinking of Dodge.’ Bartender says: ‘Oh, that’s right, my mistake.’ Woman says: ‘Yeah, it’s a common one.’ Bartender says: ‘What’s with the horse?’”
I don’t know, I only saw the commercial once, I think there might have been something in there about torque as well. I’m just glad we’re finally post-girls can’t drive trucks. First women got the vote, now they can buy trucks. Equal pay tomorrow? The possibilities are endless.
Where was I? Oh yeah, this is my favourite time of the year. Well, except for Halloween.
I’m not against the concept of Halloween, but it’s not kind to a perpetual procrastinator. I was Hunter S. Thompson for five Halloweens in a row. If I have to dress up as the founder of Gonzo journalism one more time, I’ll shoot myself. Wait, that doesn’t work.
Maybe this Oct. 31 will be the Halloween I finally go as my dream costume, a water heater. I’ve always wanted to be a water heater for Halloween. That way when someone asks me what I’m supposed to be, I can say “A water heater.”
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Or maybe I could just go in blackface like that kid at Stereo Nightclub. If you didn’t see it, there was a photo making the rounds on Facebook of a guy wearing blackface while at Stereo this past weekend. If you get this photo, share it. This kid needs to be publically shamed…for being at Stereo. That’s just wrong.
Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.