Ladies, what is your off-brand bottled water saying about you?

Dumb ladies. They’ll buy ANYTHING.

At least that’s what the folks over at Nestlé seem to believe. On Monday, the company rolled out Resource, the premium bottled water you didn’t ask for!  Aimed at “a woman who is a little more on the trendy side and higher-income side,” according to Larry Cooper, group marketing manager for Resource, in an interview with the New York Times, Resource allows you to show off your disposable income in a truly douchetastic way!

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“We want to raise it to the level of a lifestyle brand,” he said, “where she’s proud to carry around Resource as her bottled water accessory, so to speak.”

OH GOODY. More stupid shit marketed to women. It’s not enough that we’re fortunate enough to live in a country in which we simply need to turn on a tap to access clean H2O, we need to turn water — already-glorious, already life-sustaining water — into a LIFESTYLE BRAND.

And with that comes another impossible ideal dreamed up by a marketing team in a skyscraper that we women are all supposed to strive for. In Nestlé’s groupthink mind’s eye, I’m sure the Resource woman is some effortlessly chic, gracefully thin 35-year-old who always has a bottle of the pricey spring water tucked into her tasteful, minimalist Rebecca Minkoff tote bag so she can enjoy it with her salad (dressing on the side).


But, from what I can glean from the insane promotional video (watch below) — which features suitably Lululemony yogis doing some sort of interpretive gymnastic routine in a lush, fake-nature surrounding, ostensibly achieving what Nestlé calls, get ready, “electrolytenment” — the Resource woman is also a fit white woman who likes yoga, nature (so long as it doesn’t include actual nature), frolicking through sprinklers and spectacular displays of wastefulness.

I find the concept of designer water offensive, but I find that fact that it’s being marketed to women doubly so. Nestlé insults our intelligence by assuming we’ll be vain and idiotic enough to buy into this inane concept while, at the same time, reinforcing the stereotype that women will buy absolutely anything so long as it’s PINK FOR GIRLS!, so to speak. I’m casting a withering look in your general direction, Bic.

Men, naturally, don’t care about such vapid things. I can just see the Resource marketing meeting. “Perrier and Pellegrino are all well and good but we need get in on the premium still water market. You know who will eat that shit up? Ladies Who Lunch! Those image-obsessed bitches — OF OUR OWN CREATION! — will LOVE this. Add some bullshit about electrolytes and BOOM. It’s a hit.”

While insulting our intelligence, Nestlé also insults our purchasing power. As Emma Gray noted in The Huffington Post, “we’re ready to see advertisers market big-ticket items like cars and mortgages to female consumers, not just supposedly healthier, purer H20… There’s nothing new about marketing high end, “healthy” food and drink to women. Treating them like they make the major purchasing decisions they do? That would be near revolutionary.”

Indeed. Until then, let us watch interpretive dancer yogis splash around and cry a little.

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Jen Zoratti blogs about  feminism and pop culture at Follow her on Twitter @JenZoratti.