Stream of grumpy consciousness

Sometimes Grumpy Young Man has a hard time cobbling his crotchety thoughts into any sort of linear storyline. Some say it’s because he’s so damn grumpy. Others say it’s because he’s not a very good writer.

In lieu of a plot or through line, Grumpy Young Man just sends the Spectator Tribune his thoughts, in no particular order. Then he writes an intro sentence in the third person. We don’t know why he does that.

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Anyway, here are Grumpy Young Man’s (my) thoughts.

– Mr. Jetz TV was arrested again. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think this guy doesn’t work for the Jets.

– Amanda Bynes was charged with criminal possession of pot and reckless endangerment after police witnessed her tossing a bong from her apartment window. This isn’t Bynes first run-in with the law as she’s also the primary suspect in a murder-for-hire plot. In April, police say Bynes attempted to hire a hitman to murder her vagina.

– Sticking to the crime beat, the Toronto Star and NYC-based blog Gawker claim to have witnessed a video of Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Lucky for Rob Ford, his aunt is Betty Ford.

– Abercrombie and Fitch is the worst! Tweeted from my iPhone which was made in a sweatshop by a child.

– As a kid, I thought movie theatres were actually called “a theatre near you.” I’d be like “Mom, can we go see Batman at a theatre near you?”

– They say beer is the nectar of the gods. All I know is its killing all my hummingbirds.

– I’m not sure what the hummingbird’s song sounds like, but I’m assuming “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies.

– Hey guys, which of the Gilmore Girls would you like to have sex with? I’d take Doug every time.

– 69 with 93.

– Arrested Development is trending on Twitter. Golden Age hip hop is alive and well.

– Hey, what’s up with that dentist who doesn’t agree with anything?

– Four out of five people don’t get that last joke.

– A new study shows link between ADHD and obesity. I don’t know about you, but back in my day, hyperactivity meant hyperactivity.

– Here’s a healthy snack idea: Nothing.

– McDonalds doesn’t have condoms in its bathrooms, but if it did, I would like to think they’d be “McRibbed for her pleasure.”

– True vegans don’t use words with animals in them eg. sheepish, goatee and monkeywrench. Stop with the exploitive language you monsters!

– They should make vegan automobiles. Frank: “What have you got under the hood?” Joe: “Oh, about 350 horseradish power.”

– That last joke should have had a V8.

– Don Cherry doesn’t think female reporters – or any woman for that matter – should be allowed in the men’s locker room. That-a-boy Don! If you ask me, the only woman that should be allowed in a men’s locker room is your mom to tie your skates.

– Sports fan: Someone who pays $200 to stare at their iPhone.

– Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Unless you bought Turtles, then you’re probably getting Turtles.

– My doctor told me to “live for today and not tomorrow.” Good advice or just a weird way of telling me that I only have one day to live?

– Life is a highway. Adopt a highway.

– They say life is a two-way street. Perhaps this is why there’s not much life in downtown Winnipeg.

– How to succeed in life: Be rich. Have sex with somebody on camera. Put out fragrance.

– Blood, it’s in you to live.

– Life begins at conception…if you’re an embryo.

– I’m OK with abortion, especially in situations of a) sexual assault, b) where the woman’s life or health is endangered or c) where I’m involved in any way.

– On a related note, your tattoo is the same as your kid. It means a lot to you and yet means nothing to me.

– The worst part about flesh eating disease is eating all that flesh.

Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.