A satire piece by Matthew Nightingale
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper expressed bewilderment, Monday, wondering why it has taken years for anybody to ask him about his prosthetic hook hand.
“I’ve had this thing for five of my seven years as Prime Minister! You’d think someone would’ve said something by now,” Harper said in a media scrum Monday afternoon.
Despite having the prosthetic for years, no mention of the hook can be found in news media archives or question period transcripts.
“When I showed up for that first caucus meeting back in ’08, everybody either looked at their shoes or maintained overly-intentional, unbroken eye-contact,” the Prime Minister said. “They were too polite to say anything. I was still new to it and I was spilling coffee everywhere, tearing charts… I even injured my good hand with it. There’s no way they didn’t notice.”
Parliamentary foes, too, have been too polite to broach the topic.
“I’d point an accusatory hook at Tom Mulcair during question period, or use air-quotes to mock Michael Ignatieff at a press conference… nothing! I even sent (then-Governor General) Michaelle Jean to the hospital after high-fiving her when she prorogued Parliament in ’09. I mean, come on!
And, the politeness even extends to regular folks as well, according to Harper.
“I campaigned with this thing in 2011,” said Harper raising his hook. “People shook it! I held babies with it! I even threw out the first pitch at a Blue Jays game WITH THE HOOK! The ball fell behind me. Nobody said a damned thing! I even ate at a family’s home on the campaign trail and used my hook instead of a fork, and they didn’t blink twice! Honestly, I think Canadians voted a Conservative majority so they wouldn’t look like they were voting against the hook.”
Matt Nightingale is a comedian and writer based in Winnipeg. Follow him on Twitter: @NightingaleMJ