Grumpy Young Man: Thoughts II

Once again, Grumpy Young Man was far too grumpy and failed to focus his thoughts into any sort of linear storyline. But he did have thoughts, crotchety thoughts, so here they are:

-I like this Justin Bieber kid, but he’s not helping himself out by hanging with a bad crowd, attacking paparazzi, showing up late for shows and collapsing on stage. He’s going off the deep end. And he’s not even allowed in the deep end.

-I’ll give him a break though, he’s just a boy. Speaking of boys, there’s a new Pope.

-On a similar topic, the Boy Scouts of America recently sent out a survey to Scouts, parents and volunteers on whether they should continue or rescind the ban on gay members and leaders. I didn’t even know there was a ban on gay Scouts. How will gays learn to tie knots? Oh right, they don’t let gays tie the knot.

-One of the questions in the survey asks if you think a straight Scout could share a tent with a gay Scout. Is this really an issue? Everybody knows what happens in a tent, stays in a tent.

-Pitching a tent joke.

-So they have a ban on gays, yet when I was growing up, whenever I walked around in my Scouts uniform, everybody called me gay.

-It should be noted that Scouts Canada welcomes gay members. Methinks the Boys Scouts of America should calibrate its moral compass.

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-Speaking of things being all out of whack (when things are right, are they in whack?) the Manitoba Liquor Control Commission raised the price of popular beer brands. Now a 12 pack of Budweiser will cost you $2 more. The increase is being dubbed the “beer tax.” So, next time someone calls you out for being drunk and disorderly, tell them “I pay my taxes!”

-Luckily anyone who likes beer doesn’t drink Budweiser or as I call it, “bottled water.”

– A guy in my elevator was holding a 24 pack of bottled water and said “$4.99. Not bad, huh?” to which I said “I have a tap.”

-On the topic of stupid products, have you ever seen that Flex Seal infomercial? It’s the one with the super annoying dude who says stuff like “We Flex Sealed this screen door, then we took out the bottom of this boat, then we replaced the bottom of the boat with the door. Look, it floats.” That’s awesome Flex Seal guy. Have you tried it on your nose and mouth?

-That last comment sounds a lot like murder, but let’s face it, Flex Seal probably doesn’t work. Attempted murder, maybe.

-Plus, if I was going to kill an infomercial host – which I wouldn’t – I’d wrap them in a Snuggie, shoot them with a Magic Bullet and then throw them in the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. I know what you’re saying. “No!No! he didn’t.”

-When it comes to bad TV, The View is definitely up there. Joy Behar recently left the popular daytime show. Whoopie Goldberg says she’ll miss Behar, noting “her volume is irreplaceable.”

-But seriously, I heard Behar left The View because “she ain’t no Hasselbeck girl.”

-OK, really Behar says she left to return to her first love: Middling comedian.

-Speaking of shitty comics, I don’t think I’ve ever got one Crankshaft, but I do appreciate his grumpiness.

-I don’t get Crankshaft, but I don’t think there’s anything to get. Doonesbury on the other hand just makes me feel stupid. Same goes for Dilbert. We get it, you’re smart.

-Beetle Bailey is my favourite comic strip. So true to life. I especially like the one where Beetle, suffering from crippling PTSD, kills his family.

-Sure that was offensive, but had I said “kills The Family Circus” you probably would have been on board.

-It’s no Baby Blues, but Peanuts was a classic. My favourite Peanuts characters are Franklin and José Peterson. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, you’re a racist.

-Midge is a stone cold fox. Betty and Veronica? Meh.

-Yes, I do find the fact that I’m attracted to a comic strip character a little unsettling.

-You know what’s also unsettling? Keep this on the down low, but I heard that when he wasn’t playing so well earlier this year, Winnipeg Jets goalie Ondrej Pavelec tried to commit suicide. Story goes he ran out in front of traffic, right in front of a bus. Fortunately, the bus went right between his legs.

-That’s an old hockey joke that I stole. It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, it’s Pavelec; the bus obviously went high glove side.

-Hey, did you hear about this AIDS baby? That came out wrong. I mean, did you hear about this toddler who they say they cured of HIV? That’s excellent! Yay human race! Society 1! HIV, umm, well, more than one. But at least we’re on the board. Probably high glove side.

-Jokes aside, they cured a toddler of HIV and that’s amazing. Now, if he could just kick his heroin addiction.


Jared Story is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story.

Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.