By: Matthew Nightingale
In response to consistently low polling numbers, NDP leader, Tom Mulcair, has announced his intention to take up smoking in order to become more popular.
“Smoking is what all the most popular MPs do when they’re skipping out on Friday Question Period,” said Mulcair during Monday’s media scrum.
Mulcair said that he also plans to purchase a 1981 Firebird to lean against while smoking.
“The (Fire)bird’ll have flames on the hood and a kickin’ system so we can blast some Maiden and Priest during break,” explained Mulcair.
By spring, NDP strategists hope to have secured Mulcair a position in a cool independent record store, at which point he will grow his hair wild and long, and form a Megadeth tribute band with his co-workers.
“The band, in combination with the smoking and the Firebird, should definitely make Mulcair popular with the chicks,” said NDP spokesperson, Michael Crawford.
Securing the chick vote has been priority number one for Mulcair since the last federal election in 2011.
Still, the effort will likely be for naught if Mulcair isn’t invited to Stephen Harper’s annual year-end party.
But, Mulcair is well positioned to accomplish this feat, according to analysts.
“Harper will hesitantly invite him to his party on the promise that Mulcair bring the keg of beer,” says Political Science professor, Rand Dyck. “The party will be a rager, and Mulcair will impress everybody with his ability to party hard, earning the nickname The Can Opener. Later, it will be revealed that he was only able to acquire non-alcoholic beer for the party. It will seem as though his popularity is undermined, however, everyone will have had such a good time at the party that he will be immortalized in local lore, and he will finally make out with Green Party leader, Elizabeth May.”
Matt Nightingale is a comedian and writer based in Winnipeg. Follow him on Twitter: @NightingaleMJ
Follow us on Twitter @SpectatorTrib